Love is about having a heart connection, to yourself, to others, to life. Love and heart connection is always available to you. Just because you don’t always experience this connection, doesn’t mean that it is not available for you to have.
You may find yourself ending a marriage or relationship – disconnecting – walling yourselves away from the other person. You may discover that you have different goals, irreconcilable differences, patterns of relating that are destructive, or an unwillingness to work on having the relationship anymore. You may disconnect from your heart and life becomes mechanical.
These factors aren’t about whether there is love or not
All you have to do is note the passion with which most people get divorced. The grief /anger experience of the separation would not be present if there was no love. The separation would be a rational, logical split. It would be no big deal; I just fell out of love – good bye. Most people involved in a separation or divorce are in pain and torn up because they love the other person. The serious barriers in expressing and experiencing this love are too great to deal with.
Don’t make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren’t in love anymore. To grow your experience of love is what relationships are all about. The answer is not to start a new relationship so you can recapture that emotional high or infatuation with someone else. The answer is to learn how to move on to a deeper experience of love.
Being in a committed relationship/marriage allows you the opportunity to develop this richer experience. This pull to continue to generate and experience love in a long term relationship is an opportunity for your growth and development – for your continual unfolding.
Most things are hard to master by dabbling in them. Many of us put ourselves halfway into our marriages and relationship and expect to master and have great relationships. We expect to master this thing called love without fully immersing ourself.
Total immersion is necessary for mastery. The best way to learn about love and relationship is to commit and immerse yourself. I think that is why marriage is so important and still very much with us as human beings.
When you commit to something a whole world opens up to you that is not possible if you are not committed. You have more of yourself invested. Love expands through your investment. It expands through your commitment to express and have it. Without an investment there is no possibility of profit.
There is no definitive “right way” to be a good spouse, or to handle the relationship challenges that life throws you. If you think there is a right way you can wall yourself off to possible ways to resolve your conflicts. Being rigid or stuck on the right/wrong axis limits growth and can cause you to have unrealistic expectations. No new growth and development is available – only the past model of what a relationship should look like is available to you.
Another pit fall to having a successful relationship is thinking the other person is going to make you happy. Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
One more thing: if you think that the other person has to change in order for you to be happy you can use that as an excuse to not be happy. It can become a vicious circle.
If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change is yourself.
Have you shut down your heart and allowed yourself to “fall” out of love? Good news is that you can open your heart and fall back into love at anytime.